So, I’m opening a subject up for discussion: Speaking in extremely general terms, how long would you wait to have sex after beginning a relationship? Furthermore, how long would a relationship continue without sex before it would become an issue or a concern?
In this equation, assume the following:
- There is no extreme or recent trauma to speak of, at least no more than the average person has gone through (given that it’s a rare person who has had no trauma). That is to say, neither of the people involved are high-end rehab projects.
- There’s no virginity.
- Both parties are adults — that is, not teenagers.
Thoughts? Anyone? Bueller? I’m really very curious, because I discovered that there is a very, very wide differential — not merely among individual preferences (which one would assume), but among what a person believes to be the norm, and what a person believes is unreasonable in the preferences of others.
Husband and I waited a full 11 days! LOL
I think if nobody is “saving” themselves for marriage, or anything like that, then probably a month in I’d start to be concerned. Of course, it depends how many times you’ve gone out and all that too. If one of them travels for work or something and they just haven’t spent much time together, then it could be a few months.
I guess it’s complicated, but since nobody’s a virgin and there’s no trauma to speak of, I’d expect some kind of action within a month.
Hmmmmm. I don’t know! I haven’t had a lot of relationships that included sex (it was against my college pledge, man!), so I don’t know that my answers are “normal.”
My college BF and I waited YEARS, and felt horribly guilty.
JS and I….um, well, not sure so much that we waited much at all. We were friends for a while before we began dating, though.
I think it also depends a LOT on how open the people are. Like, do you feel like you know the person, or are they still sort of enigmatic. I wouldn’t want to sleep with someone who was closed off, even if it had been several weeks.
stephanie — Yeah, The Wookiee and I… uh… well, there wasn’t a lot of waiting. Of course, our situation was somewhat unusual. At some point I really will have to type up how our relationship started, because it’s quite a story.
Wonderspot — Ooh, did you have a promise ring? ;)
I listened to a conversation wherein one person had a fairly hard and fast Third Date rule, with some possible exceptions — his position was essentially that he’s not interested in someone with a low libido, and someone who won’t have sleep with you by the third date must not have much drive, therefore it’s time to move on. Another person contended that if you’re having problems with the lack of play by the six month mark, then you’re really only interested in sex and don’t care about your partner at all.
I pretty much played Devil’s Advocate all over the place, because that’s just what I do, but I found the six month or more position to be pretty shocking.
SIX MONTHS????? Wow, now I feel like a big ol’ slut. LOL
Seriously though, that’s a bit excessive.
But I think the 3 date mark is cutting it kind of short too, especially if you didn’t know each other before dating.
How soon to sleep with someone is directly connected on how mature and well defined an individual is. Sex is just sex. If both of the people understand that, then there can start whenever.
If one person ties a huge amount of emotions to the act of sex then they should wait until they feel the other person is up to that level of emotional commitment. Anything sooner will misalign the expectations in the the relationship and lead to ruin.
All of the above is very much hinged on communication skills.
As far as how long to go before its a problem. If there is no medical issues like having a baby or a LEEP that really depends on the relationship. In New York a year of no sexual contact makes the married couple legally seperated and divorce filing can begin.
All that is on communication. If the couple was really active then suddenly one person fell off the love train. First ask did I do something. If no then ask whats up. The partner could be super depressed. Just don’t go into an attack of the other person. Only makes it worse.
In my experience, I met my fiance 5 years ago and online. We had sex on the first date and have been together since. For us the longest we went was 3 months, which was a combination of surgery and depression. Normally 2 weeks is far to long. Preferred is 3 or more times a week.
I have a friend that goes more then a month without contact with his partner. Its not that he isn’t willing. Its that she is just to busy for him. So he copes with it and fills his time with other activities and covers up his depression. Its too the point that he is working out non-stop in hopes that she will notice him again. In this situation he is just not a priority and he doesn’t demand that attention.
But really if you are with someone and living with them and you have gone more then a month with out sex given that you are not low sex people or asexual, then its time to have a talk and find out what’s the problem.
I realized that I didn’t not use to, two, and too very well in my comment.
I am know the difference. I am just a poor typist.
First I guess I’ll ask if you mean intercourse or some measure close to that equivalent for a homosexual couple.
If strictly intercourse, I would actually think waiting months wouldn’t be that difficult, that big of a deal, given all the above statements about maturity and communication.
Personally, I have not dated a single person since freshman year of college I had not slept with first. I also have not dated much at all in the past 8 years (in the traditional sense).
I think any sort of strict rule of either extreme (3 dates, or waiting until marriage) is a little absurd. The human condition is an absolutely flexible one and rule following seems like a very simple thing, but often can lead to missed opportunity or grave error.
Personally again, if there was something to intrigue me I think I could wait 2-4 months, but I’d prefer not to as I think I and my partner would likely be frustrating each other with little reason. I prefer to let the spark out as early as possible so that any fixable problems may be addressed early and any deal breakers of this sort are discovered before my partner and I start sharing enough common memory that any parting would be more painful. I couldn’t tell you if this is pragmatic or horribly crass, and I’m not sure I’d care which way anyone felt about it.
*pouts* NO!
…..
I had a promise necklace.
And I agree, I think hard and fast rules – 6 months is a LONG time, really; and 3 dates can be soon if you don’t know the person at all – are pretty ridiculous.